saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
