I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
whose parrot is this?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
