I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
