idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize