i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize