obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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