Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
