you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
