Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
