I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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