shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
