i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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