Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
