Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
