somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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