They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
