I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
