i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize