Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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