her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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