Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
