I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
