Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
