I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
