Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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