Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
