I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
