So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
