Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
