i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
