Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize