Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
