I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
