I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize