I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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