My hand turned me down
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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