I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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