I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
