Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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