She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
