she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
