The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
