I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
