NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
BRING THE BAGELS
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
