1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
