Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize