did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
