Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
