your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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