I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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