Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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