I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you're hired as official boob wrangler
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
