he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize