ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
