im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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