I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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