you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
