For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize