You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
