Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
