I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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