mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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