im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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