I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
