haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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