Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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