The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
