I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
